|
discoveringmystery
|
read my profile
sign my guestbook
Name: the mandy
Interests: going to school, meeting people, laughing, making the world a better place
Expertise: really?
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
Member Since:
8/1/2004
|
|
SubscriptionsSites I Read
|
|
|
|
| its bearable but its extremely difficult.
mostly i feel dumb. humiliated. awful. guilty. responsible.
why do i feel so much? why can't i feel things less intensely?
| | |
| there are a dozen things i can think of to be ashamed of.
and there are a million things that i can think of to be embarassed about.
i think i have lucked out, in some way. because it has been a long time since i have truly been humiliated. but now it is a daily occurance. i have stepped too far out of my comfort zone. i am standing naked in front of everyone, and i am shivering, but not from the cold. i thought it would be good for me. but it has destroyed me a little. it has found a way to impact every aspect of my life almost. there are things that still belong to me though. i fear i will guard them. i know i need to guard them. they are mine. you have taken so much from me already. let me just have these things. i am comforted by them. they are not intended to comfort me, but they do, just because they are mine.
i hope this doesn't last long. i hope i feel safe again. safety is so important to me. security is not as important. but safety is needed. needed. a safe place has evaporated into ambiguity. and it is all intertwined. when i took a chance i sacrificed that place. and i didn't know i was doing it. i didn't know what was at stake. i wonder if i knew but didn't want to know. if i was being too selfish. was i? i have to think about that.
| | |
| it was like the best birthday present I'd ever gotten. I was working on Main Street in Newark and Dorothy called to tell me she would come down to see me for my lunch break. I tried to wait but I couldn't. I was too hungry. She said she was bringing Jordan and Angela. But she is a liar. When Dan walked in I think I screamed and I hugged him so tightly. I kept saying "I have to go back to work." He said he was my birthday gift. I was so happy to see him- I thought I wouldn't see him for at least three months. And that was hard enough, because the last few weeks have been so painful and I have been so helpless. He was so far away and so lost- he is still lost, but he is nearby. But he will be far away again- but this time he is the one moving. And he broke the "bad" news to me right before they left. We both cried when he told me he might be moving to Florida for good, instead of for a few months. I can't believe this is happening now. Just when we thought we would all be together again... Tomorrow we are going into Philly. Dorothy wants to go to LOVE park to get pictures on the sign. You know, the love sign. When will we see him again?? This is it for a while. | | |
| coming soon....
a review of finals and Christmas break.
ps- yes I graduated. with honors. I wouldn't normally add the honors part, but I am very proud of myself. I did it. Like, I really did it with little help from anyone else.
| | |
| it's really happening.
I picked up my cap and gown.
| | |
|
